I was up at 6:00 am, went over to feed my neighbour’s cats and take their garbage out.  (Monday’s is garbage day for us.)  Since it had been snowing I also decided that I would shovel both drive ways and sidewalks, seeing as I am such a good neighbour.  After that I came in, changed back into my pajamas and went straight back to bed.  I woke at 9:30, made breakfast, read emails and downloaded the last episode of the season for Downton Abbey from iTunes, then promptly began to watch it.  I returned emails, had a nap and before I knew it, Nick was home from work.

Where did the time go and what a wasteful day?  Well not completely, my dogs are pretty persistent about getting their walks and if I happen to not walk them, they mope around and make me feel terrible so rather than feel guilty, I showered, got dressed and I headed out with the boys after Nick came home.  It was a beautiful afternoon for a walk.  The sun was shinning and most importantly still out at 4:30 in the afternoon, which meant that I could take them on the long walk without being in total darkness on the way home.  The winter days are waning and while Spring has yet to breathe her warmth upon the ground, calling all those hibernating to wake up, the sun in all her glory is doing her best to give us hope that it won’t be long until all is green and vibrant again.

Photo taken at 5:20 pm as the sun is setting.

I have found a new snack.  When I was little my Dad use to buy coconut, shell and all, and crack it open and cut up the meat.  It was lots of fun to see him open the shell, and such a treat to taste something exotic.  Since then, I have been fortunate to eat it freshly cut from the tree in tropical countries I only dreamed about as a child.  A few months back when I was looking for alternative, healthy snacks, I found this at the Community Health Food store.  It is healthy, delicious, and I find that less than ½  a cup really seems to satisfy my craving for something sweet.  Not only that, the small portion seems to fill me up.  Yippee!  I love the taste of coconut.

“Come, now a roundel and a fairy song; Then, for the third part of a minute, hence– Some to kill canters in the musk-rose buds, Some war with reremice for their leathren wings, To make my small elves coats, and some keep back The clamorous owl, that nightly hoots and wonders At our quaint spirits.”

William Shakespeare Quotes

 A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This evening I was frustrated about something and so just walked out the front door and sat on the bench on my front porch.  Head in hands looking out at the pine trees silhouetted against a twilight sky, I whispered quietly asking the universe for some guidance.  A couple of seconds later the hoot of a short eared owl echoed in the night air.  A request answered?

Today I listened to the clip of Kevin Costner’s eulogy to Witney Houstan.  Now I’m not a big fan of all the hype given to a woman who tragically lost her life the way she did.  Someone who supposedly had it all.  And while I cannot judge her, I can say I know of people right now laying in a hospice or palliative care centre who have a better sense of what it is to cherish each and every day.

I like to bring up two things about the Houstan incident that made me sit and think about the way our western culture sees things.

I was taken back some when Costner talked about how Houstan didn’t think she was a good enough actress or pretty enough.  This was a woman of great beauty, with a voice like an angel and great talents.  How does that happen?  How does a woman of great beauty, with a voice like an angel and amazing talent think she is not pretty enough or good enough to express those talents?  That just blew me away.

This has to be a red flag for all women exposed to the western propaganda created by large corporations and a media that is only concerned with filling its pockets with cash, rather than promoting women and girls to cherish and value themselves.   Even I admit, at times I look in the mirror and think that I am a hopeless case fighting  to accept my true beauty, physical and inner, without thinking I should measure up to a standard set mostly by males.  I am not male bashing here, I am just stating a fact, and that is, “What must it take for women to accept their beauty without question, without doubt without fear of not fitting in or being accepted?  Who’s generation is going to teach their daughters that it is acceptable to come in different sizes, walk in different ways, express the diversity of our very being?”  We have got to get away from that thought that we are inferior and embrace the many different and amazing elements within each and every one of us, man and woman alike, that contribute to the strength and compassion of our human race!

Secondly, I always find it curious when an incident such as Housan’s death makes such press.  During that same time, the Kayapo tribe received a devastating blow to its people.  Dilma, (the president of Brazil), gave approval to build a huge hydroelectric plant (the third largest in the world). It is the death sentence for all the people living near the river because the dam will flood 400,000 hectares of forest, their livelihood. More than 40,000 Natives will have to find another place to live.   It also means the inevitable destruction of the natural habitat, which includes deforestation and the disappearance of  many species.   What we as a race don’t understand is that this kind of decision has an impact that will not only affect the area mentioned, but touches every human being on the planet.  You and I will feel the effect of such a decision, and I might add, not in a positive way.  Yet what kind of world press did this receive?   You tell me.

I do not dismiss the sadness and sorrow in the loss of any human being.   I know what heartbreak comes from losing a loved one.  But, at some point we must put perspective to what the grand corporations and media deem important, and what truly is important in this world, or we are doomed as a race.

Celebrities are ordinary people, they put on their socks one foot at a time just like you and I.  But we as a culture have allowed the media to make these people out as Gods and in turn cloaked the reality of what’s really happening in our culture and our world.

I urge people to see past these illusions and start making small changes toward a more insightful way of looking at the world.  I’d love to see a day when phrases like  “low self esteem” and “skinny jeans” are no longer used in our vocabulary.  When we stop raping the planet for energy, knowing full well that there are sustainable ways of creating  it, that not only cost much less to implement, but will save us from the eventual death of our planet.

It is possible to shift things?   Just ask an Egyptian.  There is a movement, and I urge you to join it.   It is as subtle as shifting your perspective and seeing beyond the illusions to the truth.

You see the thing about subtle is, it becomes mighty over time.

“When cats run home and light is come, And dew is cold upon the ground, And the far-off stream is dumb, And the whirring sail goes round, And the whirring sail goes round; Alone and warming his five wits, The white owl in the belfry sits.”

Lord Alfred Tennyson 

Today I finished taking down the rest of what was left of the wall paper and got most of the walls washed.  I won’t tell you what acrobats and unsafe practices I used to get that last corner piece down.  I’ll only admit to having some major angels on my side when it comes to safety!

It was a rather gloomy day most of the day and it is only now, in the late of the afternoon that the sun has decided to pop out from behind the clouds.  So I did not mind being indoors.

I have decided to pretty much stick to the sea foam green colour I have in my living room and would like to continue an outdoors theme(colour-wise that is) inside the house.  I have a passion for this colour green it seems so soothing.

I also tried my hand at some gluten-free mini muffins this afternoon.  Half blueberry, half chocolate chip (for Nick).

Tonight I’m going to kick back and dig into some of the books that were delivered this week from Amazon.ca.  I’m especially excited to read the two books I bought about Hawaii.

HE KĒHAU HO’OMA’EMA’E KA ALOHA

Love is like a cleansing dew

Hawaiian Proverbs & Wisdom, From the Little Book of Aloha

I have been concerned about where I am going to put my furniture when they do the floors in my house.  My neighbour suggested I clear the one side of the garage and they would help me move the furniture into the garage until the renovations are over.  I never thought about that!  Thanks Al!   I love my neighbours!

I worked most of the day taking trinkets down, washing them and packing them away, then washed the cupboards and after that, I did some more stripping of wall paper.   As you can see from the photos I have done as much as my arms could reach.  I am going to have to take that special ladder out from the garage, the one my late husband bought but never had the opportunity to use.  Funny, several of my neighbours have borrowed it though and this afternoon I had to ask Al how to set it up since he was one of those users.

Hopefully the big ladder will help me reach that strip in the top corner!

View from on top of step-ladder.

The beige at the top is paper yet to be stripped.

I am going to take tomorrow off from the kitchen and go to the market.  Saturday I will start clearing the garage.  I have had all this cardboard stored behind the Corvette waiting to go to the recycle bin but never got around to taking it there.  Now I can use it to cover the garage floor so that I can place the furniture on it.  I knew there was a reason to procrastinate about it!  (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)

I have to admit, today was very therapeutic.  I often get so lost in my thoughts to the point that my imagination carries me away.  Focusing on a basic task is like being grounded, it’s very similar to meditation.  When I think back on today, a thought came, sat for a few seconds but was released because it was not my focal point, my task was.  It was a great feeling actually.  It was as like an exercise in releasing trivial or unnecessary thoughts.  It made me acutely aware of how simple it is to let go of needless contemplation.  They come, they go, but I do not let them stay long enough to become more important than just a passing notion.

All in all a good day.

When I first met Brad, for some reason I thought his name was Doug (or a name similar to that), Brad was so nice and didn’t want to hurt my feelings and so he allowed me to call him that for sometime.  Then I think it became a joke between he and his friends.  When I found out I was totally embarrassed!  Then it became a joke between Doug, I mean Brad and I for many years after that.

Thanks Brad for surprising me on Valentine’s Day with these beautiful flowers.

I spent the better part of the day tearing wall paper off the walls in the kitchen.  The guys that are renovating said I could save some money if I took down the paper on my own.  I know now why I stuck to an office job all these years.  A lot of people say it is cathartic to do labour such as this.  It is true that cursing and swearing, while trying to peel off paper that seems to be stuck to the wall with crazy glue can keep your mind off of your worries, but people, I can think of a million other ways to keep my mind off my inner thoughts.  Hmm, like sticking my head in a bucket full of hot coals!  Seriously folks… no really, SERIOUSLY!  I managed to get the first layer peeled off and will try to do the second layer tomorrow.

This also meant that I had to rid my kitchen of the junk I have been collecting over the past 14 years.  When we first moved into our home, I thought it was cute that I was doing all this nesting.  Collecting little crafts and ornaments here and there to make our little abode nice and cozy.  My late friend Gail’s husband once said our house looked liked a craft store.  Thing is, the remark did not offend me.  Now I look at all this stuff and think what the hell am I going to do with all this junk?  There’s something to be said about living simply is all I can say!

For those of you who live close, please note, I will be holding a very large garage sale early spring!

Some of you may be interested in watching the process of the renovation to my kitchen and living room so I willI post some before shots and update photos.  I will also be writing about the headaches that go along with it.  But for now, I must admit I love the idea of a new look for my home.

Looking from the south east corner of the kitchen.  Eating nook is behind me.  The pantry you see will be torn down leaving the space open to the living room/dinning room area.

Taking down the oak boarder and wallpaper.  This desk area will be torn out and replaced with a pantry.

Everyone says that LOVE hurts, but that’s not true.

Loneliness hurts.  Rejection hurts.  Losing someone hurts.

Everyone confuses these things with LOVE.

But in reality,

LOVE is the only thing in this world that dissolves all pain and replaces it with compassion, tenderness and joy.

Not too long ago I found a love letter written to me by my late husband and I was reminded of the beauty and joy that love can bring.

There are many types of love, mother or fatherly love, love for your siblings, love of family and friends. I am so honoured to say that I was never lacking in the knowing of such love. I have been most fortunate in my life to have loved and to have recognized love when gifted to me.

I am a child brought up in the age of the Disney fairy tales and romantic movies like ‘An Affair To Remember’.   I believe in, and have known, love at first sight.  From that moment on, I experienced a dream come true in finding my Prince Charming, which lead to a love shared between us as tender and as true as that depicted in the ‘Notebook’.

My relationship with Prince Charming was not always as perfect as the movies.  Often it was about compromise, mixed in with disagreements and even arguments.  Sometimes it felt unfair, and sometimes one of us thought the love they put into the relationship was more than the other’s. But there was always, without a doubt, this steadfast connection and knowing in our hearts, that because our LOVE was so profound, it would always prevail over any obstacle set before us.

LOVE; that deep, tender feeling that only those of us who have experienced it, know the capacity and depth of.

Romantic love surrounds me and inspires me all the time.  My Mom and Dad celebrate their 60^th wedding anniversary this year and after all these many years still hold hands when walking.  I have Aunts and Uncles who have been steadfast in their love for each other close to as many years.  My siblings are all married to what they believe to be their soul mates.  All of my friends who are married or have shared a dedicated love between each other have done so now for thirty or more years.

While there is a risk that one may get hurt in a willingness to love  another, allowing the memories of a broken heart to turn to bitterness, anger or deep resentment, that leads one to resist love, is truly a loss.  I understand very well the sadness of a broken heart.  But having experienced true and devoted love, and knowing just how amazing it felt,  I can’t help but welcome a chance to experience love such as that once again.

Valentine’s Day is rather superfluous to those who celebrate their love for one another every day.  Valentine’s day doesn’t need to be a day of bitterness and sarcasm in remembering hurtful memories of the past either.  Nor does one need to feel obligated or pressured to buy something for someone on St. Valentine’s Day.  While it can be a fun and/or beautiful gesture (I’ll take Tiffany’s please), like any occasion, let it be a celebration in honour of what Love represents, and of all its possibilities, as well as, a reminder of what lies within us if we just allow ourselves to open up to love’s joy… Because to be quite honest, I think it doesn’t hurt to be reminded of this every single day!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Valentine’s Day <3.

I am not the most organized person in the world.  I work well under pressure only because I have procrastinated to the last hour, having no choice but to panic in the last seconds.

I have learned over the years that preparing for a trip is not a situation one leaves to the last moments.  Usually I pack my suitcase at least two weeks before my trip, giving myself time to go through my things a least twice or more to eliminate the unnecessary things I would bring if I were to just throw something into a case the night before.

When I am visiting a country such as the United States, often I worry less about things I have forgotten because it is easy to buy what I have missed and the product is usually less expensive.  But when going to exotic countries like India or Africa and even parts of Europe things are far more costly and the likelihood of finding what you need is not as great.  Simple things we take for granted like aspirin are not as easily attainable in a small village in Northern India or in the rain forests of Costa Rica.

I inevitably take way too many clothes, leaving little room for souvenirs or gifts to bring back.  And I always end up leaving things behind.  It’s hard to go to some place tropical from a northern climate without also having to pack for a return that may include landing in a snow storm.  And airplanes are always so cold.

Just thinking about it all makes me nervous!  It use to be easy to get from one destination to the other.  Now it takes at least two hours just to get through the check points from luggage drop off to embarking on the plane.  Which is a whole other story I don’t even want to go into.

A few trips back I was invited to visit my friend on Vancouver Island.  It was 4 days, three nights.  The flight was a little less than two hours and no customs.   I dared myself to do it with just a carry on.  Our only plans were to hang around the house and get caught up on the latest news.

Well, I am proud to say I actually accomplished it.  I used all the mini-containers, coordinated my clothing, and brought the bare minimum. I have to tell you, it was absolutely liberating to walk off that plane straight into the car of my friend without having to stop or look back.  It was especially gratifying after the many trips before, where I often found myself totally exhausted from schlepping around too much luggage through busy international airports.

Of course, each time I go somewhere I do get better with my packing.  Although I must admit this suitcase in the photo (preparation for my trip to Hawaii in two weeks), need some going over.  I mean really, when you go to a place like Hawaii all you truly need is a bathing suit, a cover up and a nice dress for dinner!

 I love organizing my suitcase for a trip, it adds to the excitement and anticipation of the upcoming journey.

Yesterday I found this recipe on how to “pep” up your water.  I modified the recipe somewhat by adding less and it still turned out absolutely delicious.  You take slices of cucumber, lemon, and ginger, then add some fresh or non-sweetened strawberries, raspberries, and add a couple of sprigs of fresh spearmint (I didn’t have any spearmint), then you fill a pitcher with about a litre of water and let it sit in the fridge overnight.  Next day drink the whole pitcher and you will have drunk your 8 glasses of water for the day.  It was easy to make and it was easy go down!

I love these kinds of refreshing, non sugar, organic drinks!

And as usual my shadow is right at my feet.  While Sprocket is Nick’s dog, he is never far from my heels.  He follows me everywhere and when I am cooking he lays on my feet.  Yes, on my feet, it is rather frustrating actually and I have actually stepped on his paws a few times.

And then there’s Elmo, he’s standing there making puppy noises to get my attention.  You see he wants this bone that is on the desk.  It’s a rawhide and makes a lot of mess so I only give it to him every now and again.  He, however, reminds me constantly that he knows where it is, that it is his and would I kindly pass it along to him!

I love the company of my dogs.

I have decided to do some major changes around the house.  Recently I contacted the woman who owns the local garden centre to see if she could help me turn this useless patch at the south side of my house into a sustainable square foot garden.  She has agreed to help and I will let you know of the project’s progress as it happens.

I have also decided to renovate my kitchen and replace the flooring in the prominent areas of the upper floor of the house.  Well, not me personally. The fellow who works for the company I have hired to do all this said, “Your house will look totally different by the time we’re finished.

I have had money set aside  for this project for some time now.  Thing is, the time never seemed to feel right.  Truth be told, I wasn’t prepared to make things different in the house.  It seemed comforting  to keep the house same as it’s been since we moved in 14 years ago… even if things were beginning to fall apart and in need of some major repairs.  You see, the house seemed to be the only thing I had to cling to of the life I use to know.  A life that felt secure and safe.

Grief is an interesting experience.  I never really felt the need to think about the grieving process until, of course, I was forced to.  Most people, (including myself), think that the process has a set time.  Usually the thought is you grieve for a couple of years and then you are back to normal or at least should be.  Well I’m here to tell you that grief is a very personal thing and the process for each person is very different.

Letting go has not been that easy for me.  In fact the experience has been (what seems like to me) a very long process of  four steps forward, three steps back.  But I am moving ahead and with each threshold crossed, I seem to feel stronger, and quite aware and respectful of the person I have become… not to mention, amazed at the  courage I have managed to find when needed to make those tough onward moves.

Perhaps for some it’s not as dramatic a process, but to me it is certainly boldly going where I have never been before.  Certainly it has been a long yet surprising adventure.  Then again, isn’t life an adventure filled with surprises?  And you know what?  I really love a good adventure.

The whole idea of getting rid of the old is quite overwhelming to me and not being one of the most organized person’s in the world, it’s definitely a challenge.  I start working at something in the kitchen and then am distracted by something related in the living room, which leads to something different in the basement and before I know it, my whole house is in disarray and  there  I am, a puddle of frustration on the floor.   Not only that, the more I seem to clean out and throw away, the more junk I seem to find.  It feels like a never ending story.  To make things worse, it’s very hard to be non-sentimental about trashing things you find that connect you to endearing memories.

Nevertheless I also love a good challenge and while I find this one exceptionally difficult, I know that I will come through in the ninth hour and look back on it all as a great undertaking, one in which I triumphed over.

Andy Rooney once said:

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort – the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing – the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

I’m here to tell you how true that comment really is!

Boy do I ever love a good quote, especially when it is on the mark!

Perhaps I have not paid much attention to this issue having only one son, or perhaps it is because I am out of the work force and away from the pressure that environment seems to place on women.  Or perhaps it is because I am closing in on my 58^th birthday and have let go of the idea that there is no hope in hell I can make my body look like it did 40 years ago, and I’m not so sure I want it too.  Okay perhaps I’d like my 20-year-old stomach back.  But my point here is, when did being voluptuous become repulsive?

I have pretty much maintained the same weight now for the last 5 years and while it would not hurt me to lose a few pounds, I make a point of eating healthy, exercising daily and just as import, try to be kinder to myself by seeking out my finer qualities and embracing them rather than constantly obsessing about and beating up on myself for my wrinkles or rolls.

When I see postings that say “Healthy is the new skinny” then see a photo of this wafer of a woman or girl, I can’t help thinking that this whole thin thing has gotten way out of hand.  I think all women would be quite healthy if we just fed ourselves  a good dose of “I nurture myself with acceptance, respect and an honest sense of what is best for my body, not what others think is best.”  Lets face it ladies, we are intuitive enough to know what is good for us and what is not.

Tonight I indulged in this delightful desert (see photo).  Strawberries (with whipping cream) in the middle of February is most certainly a once in a while extravagance for me.   And while I might treat myself to such a lavish treat every now and again, my body tells me that to eat this every day would not only be unhealthy, it would most certainly take away any feeling of it being a special pleasure.  Having said that, I also refuse to feel guilty for treating myself.  Nor am I going to go to the bathroom and regurgitate what I just ate, or starve myself for the next two weeks as punishment for my indulgence.

It is beyond my comprehension how looking anorexic is appealing.  I just don’t get it.  My accolades go to those Mothers out there who spend time with their daughters teaching them that confidence and love and respect for self is far more attractive and far healthier than a diet of celery,  one million crunches or lunges and a trip to the toilet with one’s finger down one’s throat!